What is my purpose???

So much has been going on in my life...both professionally and personally that taking time to blog has really been more of a "have to" than a "want to".

Today I got my "want to" back. I have something really important to share. Something that I want to record indefinitely. Something that I will want to go back and read in the future.

A few months back I was sent this link http://deathisnotdying.com/fullvideo/. Honestly, I really did not want to take 55 minutes of my day to watch it. It was sent to me on Facebook and I get so much stuff sent to me and most of it is unimportant. For a reason I still don't know, one quiet afternoon I clicked on play and sat enraptured for the entire time.

Rachel Barkey, this woman my age, was dying of cancer. She has 2 children ages 7 and 5. My 2 oldest children are the same age. I cried through this video and realized how shaken my faith has become in the past while. Here was a DYING woman being humble and not self serving in the information that she spoke of. In he midst of this battle for her life, she was fulfilling her purpose of "Serving with Joy". I so badly wanted to be in that room with her. I wanted to feel what serving with joy felt like. I know that I am serving, doing a lot of it, probably very little of it with joy. At that moment I was VERY unsure of what my purpose is and I was completely overwhelmed with getting to a place where I could find out.

I took the coward's way out and just walked away from the tugging in my heart to spend some time revisiting my purpose.

On July 3rd I saw a post on Facebook that Rachel Barkey has passed away. She had just turned 38. I will be 38 on July 28. As I looked more closely and read other peoples posts I realized that I knew this amazing woman!! Rachel Barkey was as I knew her in high school, Rachel Sawer.

Rachel was a year behind me in school at MEI. She was the star basketball player and the star volleyball player. She always seemed so nice. So, while I am sure that I haven't seen Rachel in 20 years since I graduated, I did at one point know her. As I listened again to the video, I wished that she has been someone that I had known better.

Rachel Sawer Barkey, in the last part of her life and now in her death, has been a woman to hear and hear well. Her words have challenged me. Her passion has ignited a flame in me to search more deeply. Her love has reminded me to hold my children when I can and to say "yes" to them whenever possible. Her steadfastness has told me that God is in charge...no matter how out of control things feel. Her grace reinforces that even in our most difficult times we can use them to help others who are also in need.

I will not be the same woman, wife, mother, business woman, friend, sister, daughter or grandchild that I was before watching this video. For Rachel's part in that I am eternally grateful. To my Heavenly Father, I am thankful that there is never anything I can do to make You love me more...but there is nothing that I can do to make You love me less. I will now no longer be a coward but I will press on to find my purpose. I will do this in a way that allows God to be who He IS and not who I want Him to be because it is just more convenient that way.

Now I pray for Neil and Quinn and Kate...may they find peace and love and comfort along the road ahead without their wife and mama. Rachel is no longer in pain and has a new body and is in heaven with Jesus. We who are left here are better people and better Christians because of Rachel and the legacy she will leave.

I do not know what this new path will hold for me but I am going to bravely walk down it with my husband and my children. I will find my purpose and when I do...I will finally be able to rest.

Thank you...